The need for approval, validation, or simply avoiding conflict can lead us down a path of resentment, burnout, and even self-sabotage. Below, I delve into this pervasive habit, exploring why we people-please, how it impacts our recovery, and, most importantly, how to break free and set healthy boundaries.
The Cycle of People Pleasing and Addiction
For years, I was the quintessential people-pleaser. From achieving perfect grades to volunteering for every committee, I said yes to everything. Deep down, I feared being disliked, judged, or abandoned. People-pleasing became my way of ensuring I felt needed and valued, but it also came at a cost.
The more I overcommitted, the more resentment built within me. That inner chatter would start: “Why did I say yes?” “Do they even appreciate me?” “I feel like such a fool.” The resentment fed my addiction, and my addiction fuelled more self-sabotage. It was a vicious cycle that left me feeling powerless and depleted.
The Freedom of Saying No
One of the most profound lessons I’ve learned in recovery is this: saying no is an act of self-care. It’s not selfish; it’s necessary. The more you honour your own needs and boundaries, the stronger and more confident you become. And when you do say yes, it’s from a place of genuine alignment, not obligation or fear.
Think of the oxygen mask theory: put on your own mask first so you can help others. When you care for yourself, you’re in a better position to support those around you. That’s the freedom of saying no without guilt.
Practical Tips for Saying No
If you’re new to setting boundaries, saying no can feel daunting. Here are some tips to make it easier:
Pause Before Answering
Give yourself time to consider requests. Instead of an immediate yes, say, “I’ll think about it and get back to you.” This gives your decision-making brain a chance to weigh the options.
Practice Assertive Responses
Try these:
- I wish I could, but I’m swamped right now.
- Thanks for thinking of me, but I can’t commit at the moment.
- No, thanks.
Practising these responses in the mirror can help you feel more confident.
Establish Non-Negotiables
Define what you will and won’t say yes to. When you’re clear on your boundaries, it becomes easier to stick to them.
Be Honest and Direct
If asked why you’re saying no, keep your explanation simple. Transparency reduces stress and avoids overthinking.
Schedule Time for Yourself
Block out self-care time in your calendar and treat it as non-negotiable. Even if you’re doing nothing, this time is vital for your well-being.
Strengthening Energetic Boundaries
In recovery, protecting your energy is just as important as protecting your time. One technique I share with clients involves working with your energetic boundaries – your aura. Here’s a simple exercise to try:
- Ground Yourself: Imagine roots growing from your feet deep into the earth, anchoring you.
- Visualise Your Aura: Picture a bubble of energy surrounding you. Adjust its size—expand it outward when you want to connect with others, like during a presentation, or pull it in closer for protection in overwhelming or crowded spaces.
- Experiment with Your Aura: Play with its size and observe how you feel when it is large compared to when it is small. For example, drawing your aura closer may help you feel more grounded and secure in challenging situations.
The Impact of Healthy Boundaries
When you start saying no and setting clear boundaries, the effects ripple through every aspect of your life. You feel more empowered, confident, and aligned with your true self. Resentment fades, self-sabotage lessens, and you operate from a place of strength rather than depletion.
Learning to say no transformed my relationships, career, and recovery. It’s a practice, and yes, it takes time and trial and error, but the freedom it brings is worth every step.
Final Thoughts
Remember, ‘no’ is a complete sentence. By embracing it, you’re not only honouring yourself but also creating space for more meaningful yeses in your life.
My wish for you, as always, is to be the light in your own recovery. So, practice saying no, set your boundaries, and watch as your recovery grows stronger, brighter, and more aligned with who you truly are.
